This post was originally published on April 16, 2018 and republished on May 17, 2021.

Wildland Man and I’ve been struggling with infertility for a few years now. I suppose this journey we’re on authorizes me to speak to the toll infertility can take on a marriage.

Because infertility is definitely a couples’ thing. When you are trying for a family, it doesn’t matter if the infertility can be pinpointed to one individual or not, the process of being able to conceive and carry your own child is something you deal with together.

And let’s be real, this marriage thing, it’s tough.

It’s quite possibly one of the hardest things you’ll ever do in life. It’s a constant ebb and flow of putting another’s needs in front of your own, setting aside your own selfish desires over and over again. It’s serving one another, building each other up, and encouraging instead of discouraging. It’s choosing forgiveness in anger. It’s loving through the hard times.

And infertility, well, it can make all of that…just so much harder.

Building Up Strength

Now, you know I’m all about intentional marriage. I have already spent a good part of my time on Country Wife Chronicles preaching intentionality in marriage.

But the strain of infertility can ruin even the best of intentions.

What used to be daily intentional efforts in marriage slowly shift into weekly, even monthly efforts at times. Not on purpose or for lack of intention. Maybe its just exhaustion. Maybe it’s feeling too emotionally wiped out to take of yourself or your marriage.

I mean, that’s how it has been for me.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I still believe in the power of intentional marriage. I’m simply speaking my truth for the moment. And the honest truth is, my intentional efforts in my marriage just aren’t really happening right now.

The reality is, when you are walking through hardships in life, sometimes the intentional efforts take a back seat to all the other stuff. The irony is that it is in the hardships that these efforts are needed the most. But life gets too consuming, emotions get frazzled, and love tanks hover near empty. Opportunities to speak love to your spouse in their language slip by, even when they shouldn’t.

I’m not trying to make excuses for myself in failing in the intentional efforts department, because I really want to do better, I do. I’m just being authentic. I still make efforts, just not as often or as consistently as I have in the past…as I was able to when I was less emotionally spent.

The paradox is, even in the midst of this lack of effort on my part for Wildland Man, I feel incredible strength in our marriage.

I credit this strength to our attention to making efforts when it was easier, calmer. Those intentional efforts were made on a daily occurrence when we weren’t facing any hardships and we could sort-of just coast on our contentment. It didn’t feel like extra work, it was even fun to think up unique ways to show our love for one another. It was easy to invest in our marriage.

Those efforts in the stress-free times of life built up the strength of our marriage for the long haul. So that when this hardship of infertility came upon us, we could rely on that strength to get us through.

Because we built a strong foundation when we were on the mountaintop, we aren’t scrambling to find connection through this valley. And we feel loved even when we both aren’t the best at showing it in an extra special way these days.

So, yes, I’m still a believer in intentional marriage. And I’m still making intentional efforts whenever I can. But I’ve learned, when it is easiest to coast, that is when you double down and work to strengthen your marriage for the hard times around the corner.

This is just the season we are in for the moment. A season of hardship and difficulty.

A season of infertility.

The Hardships of Infertility

 First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes…the struggle of infertility?

Making a baby is supposed to be exciting and fun. The thrill of finally making the decision to start a family is exhilarating. The dreaming and planning and preparing starts to take hold. The visions and discussions about how you want to raise your kids together are the topic of conversation. Your whole life perspective shifts to center around the idea of starting a family.

But for 1 in 8 couples, it doesn’t play out that way.

That excitement eventually wanes into worry and anxiety. Then the worry turns to doubt. And the doubt leads to fear and defeat. Those dreams of starting a family begin to feel tarnished.

Infertility is a hardship in marriage. It is suffering a loss, restructuring dreams, and working through a multitude of solutions.

There is no one way to handle this hardship in marriage. There’s no right answer for how you should deal with infertility as a couple.

All I can share with you is what Wildland Man and I’ve discovered along the way:

• Encouraging Communication: Communication is crucial in any marriage, regardless of whether or not a couple is facing infertility. But when infertility is present, an extra layer of encouragement is needed in that open dialogue. Because there will be days when it is tough to see the light. You have to find a way to lift one another up through your communication. To be a sounding board that can find the positive in any situation. To listen…to really hear what your spouse is saying. Wildland Man picks me up when I’m down and I do my best to do the same for him.
• Face Infertility Together: Infertility is a team sport. It is not just a woman’s problem. And if you are facing male infertility, it’s not just a man’s problem. It is a crisis you are facing together. Infertility tends to isolate and make you feel alone. The last thing you want is to feel like you and your spouse aren’t on the same team. Adopt a “you and me against the world” mentality. Count on each other when you feel like no one else in the world can understand what you are going through.
• Pray Together & For Each Other: Last month I underwent my second surgery for endometriosis. And my faith was sort of in a funk. I didn’t doubt that God was with me, but I was struggling to feel Him. My uneasiness was eating away at my peace. I was struggling to ask God into my circumstances and help me. And that is when I went to Wildland Man. I asked him if we could pray for each other for the next couple of weeks. It took the pressure off when I prayed for God to work in Wildland Man’s life. I prayed for God to guide him and in turn help Wildland Man lead me in the direction we should go. Knowing that my hubby was praying on my behalf while watching God work on him filled me with such comfort. In fact, when I was searching for clarity, Wildland Man was getting crystal clear signals from God. I had an underlying unease about my surgery right up until that morning, but knowing how confident my husband was in God’s protection of me and outcome of my surgery, I found myself in a peace I don’t think I would have felt had we not committed to praying for one another during that time. Wildland Man prayed for me when I was struggling to find the words. 

I want to take a moment to share with you some of the Scriptures that have been fundamental to my faith in this journey. May they bring you the peace and comfort you are seeking. Just click below to download or scroll to the bottom of this post and click on the Freebie graphic there.

• Buckle Up for the Emotional Rollercoaster Ride: Prepare yourself ahead of time for the out-of-whack emotions that infertility will bring into your marriage. Whether it is medically induced hormones or a breakdown after receiving a baby announcement, the emotions catch you by surprise. But if you are observant you will start to pick up on your circumstances and triggers that tend to end in meltdowns. Be fair to your hubby; don’t expect him to predict the outcome. Prepare him for hormonal shifts you know are coming. Remind him of the dreaded two week wait you are experiencing. Set him up to be sensitive and understanding rather than blindsiding him with a whiplash of emotions he’s trying to figure out on the fly.
• Never Give Up: It’s easy to get sucked into the baby-making abyss. Your whole life can be consumed with diet changes, cycle charting, anticipation, anxiety, and disappointment. There will be times when you are ready to throw in the towel. To give up on the dream of becoming a family and settle for less than your heart desires. And that’s ok. That’s normal. Take that moment to step back for a minute. Take a breather and come up for some air. Laugh together. Go on a romantic date. Make love for the sake of making love, not a baby. Forget about it all for a little while, even if just for a moment. Then, when you are ready, dig in and fight for your family again. Don’t quit. Find strength in one another, trust God, and keep chasing your dream.

I bet you know someone who has struggled with infertility. Maybe you didn’t realize it, but if you took a moment to look around you, you’d probably see someone that didn’t get pregnant so easily. Or maybe someone that was never able to.

Most of us walk this road in silence. We are quiet and isolated. I get it, because I’m completely outside of my comfort zone in sharing this very personal aspect of Wildland Man and I’s life here on CWC. 

I felt the same way about sharing my endometriosis story with the world.

I’ve made the choice to use CWC as a platform for awareness of endometriosis and infertility. Because I want others struggling with the same to know that they, that we, aren’t alone.

I’ve mentioned, over and over again, how my faith has grounded me in this life. And faith is the sure foundation of our marriage. I turn to God and His Promises when I’m struggling with my infertility reality. And I pray that anyone else struggling with infertility can find the same peace in His Word that I cling to.

Today I’m sharing a freebie with you, “31 Days of Scripture: Praying through Infertility.” This printable provides you with 31 days worth of Scriptures that will bring you hope in your infertility journey. Just click below to print it out for yourself and use these Scriptures however you see fit.

Pray them over your life and marriage. Write them out in a journal. Memorize them and store them away in your heart. Meditate on them and let them sink deep into your soul. Allow the Word of God into your journey and rest in peace beyond understanding.

These Scriptures are the ones I run to when I’m overcome by anxiety or fear. These are the promises I read when I need reassurance. And on this infertility journey, these verses are my heart’s song.

[UPDATE]

Country Wife Chronicles is reader-supported. When you buy through links on our site, we may earn an affiliate commission.

I am excited to share that I was able to contribute to a multi-author book collaboration entitled (In)Fertility: Secrets, Struggles, & Successes. This experience has been one for the books and I am incredibly blessed to be able to share my story for His glory on a larger level with this book. 

This book makes no promises of quick fixes or universal cure-alls. Stories of miracles, like my own, are shared, but I recognize that it doesn’t always work out that way for everyone. The one thing this book does promise is to hold space for anyone who is coming to this book while they are walking the valley of infertility. Because that valley is scary, hard, and isolating.

If you are interested in learning more, click the graphic to purchase today!

Be Still & Know…

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