(in)Fertility: Meant to be a Mama

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I always knew I wanted to be a mama. I babysat for neighbors and my sisters growing up; in college I roomed with my toddler niece. I chose education as my major, helped out with summer camps, and became a high school science teacher. I loved being around children and just always felt “called” to be a mother one day. 

I wasn’t sure how, when, or what it would look like. Adoption was something that started to tug at my heart in my 20’s. But, then again, I always had an intuition that I would carry my own child in my womb. When I met my husband, we knew we wanted some time to just be us before we started a family. So, we took a few years to enjoy the newlywed bliss before trying to conceive.

I never imagined it would be so difficult to conceive a child.

As friends my age continued to announce pregnancies and my three older sisters’ families continued to grow, I began to feel left behind. When would it be my turn? I started to feel like I wasn’t fitting in with my peers anymore. Everyone else seemed to be in mama mode, everyone but me.

So, I started to seek out answers. I researched online and purchased a few books on conception. I asked my doctor questions and sought out more information about fertility in my thirties. It was a long road, a valley of infertility, to get here—to the other side, the side of mamahood. And now that I’m here, I can’t help but share what worked for me to get across that valley to this mountaintop with other women struggling with infertility.

I don’t claim to have all the answers and I’m not a medical professional, but I can share my story to inspire, instill hope, and encourage women that there is a way in this wilderness. Below I’m sharing a brief excerpt from the book, (In)Fertility. It is an excerpt from my personal chapter in this collaborative book. It is one small piece of my story.

I really never saw any women in my life struggle to have babies, at least not publicly, therefore I grew up with the mindset that being able to have a baby, as a woman, should be a given. I had no reason to believe otherwise and I thought I still had plenty of time to become a mama. I distinctly remember telling my husband that the only gift I wanted for my 30th birthday was to be pregnant.

Making a baby was supposed to be exciting and fun. The thrill of finally making the decision to start a family was exhilarating. The dreaming and planning and preparing started to take hold. The visions and discussions about how we would raise our kids together were the topic of conversation. Our whole life perspective shifted to center around the idea of starting a family. We never imagined it would be so difficult to conceive a child. Infertility wasn’t something we ever anticipated having to deal with. It was not part of the dream of starting a family—it was never in the plans.

At first, it was no big deal; we weren’t in any big rush, we figured if it happened, it happened. We didn’t want to have to “work at it.” A few months went by and I decided to check in with an obstetrician-gynecologist (OB-GYN), just for a basic wellness visit and to talk preparing my body for pregnancy. I was starting to at least wonder why we weren’t having any success with conception. My doctor reassured me and I felt pretty confident that, in time, we’d get pregnant.

Six more months went by…and nothing. Maybe we just needed to time things a bit more closely. I started charting my cycles to be sure we were hitting our prime window of opportunity each month. Now we were starting to have to “work at it.”

Another six months…nothing. Time for another wellness check. This time the doctor agreed to do the basic hormonal blood work to check things out. She didn’t seem too concerned, so I figured I shouldn’t be either. But, just in case, I tightened up the reigns a bit on our diet, improved my supplements and I added green smoothies to the meal plan.

Somewhere along the road after that appointment I fell into a pattern of self-diagnosing. I think I wanted a baby so bad and I had no answers as to why we weren’t conceiving that I convinced myself there must be something wrong with me. I had to be broken somewhere. Sure, my hormone blood work came back normal, but was it optimal? Could my thyroid be out of whack? I think I might have symptoms of adrenal fatigue…or maybe leaky gut? I suppose it crossed my mind that I could have endometriosis to some degree, but, remember, I’d asked every doctor I’d ever had about it and was always told it wasn’t likely in my case.

I finally set up another appointment with my doctor to address my concerns. She ran a thyroid panel and told me to relax. My thyroid came back normal. I think she could sense that I was searching for answers, so she recommended that we go ahead and have my husband run some tests as well…none of his tests showed any cause for concern.

The excitement of starting a family together eventually waned into worry and anxiety. Then the worry turned to doubt. And the doubt led to fear and defeat. Those dreams of starting a family began to feel tarnished. Infertility was a hardship—it was suffering a loss, restructuring dreams, and working through a multitude of solutions my husband and I never envisioned for our future together.

So, what about you? Are you looking for support along the infertility journey? Are you sinking in the sand of overwhelming infertility information coming at you? Are you ready to find your footing in this fertility world?

I want you to feel empowered, to find your own voice and advocate for your own fertility. You are not alone in this journey. That is what (In)Fertility is all about. Listening ears, similar stories, real issues and experiences, holding space for those walking the valley of infertility.

My own personal experience with infertility served me with first-hand knowledge and has helped me to better understand those walking a similar path. It has prepared me for this moment, this opportunity to share my story with the world at large.

This book, this collaboration of authors, of women connected to infertility–some professionally, some personally, is one I wish I had on my shelf when I was new to the world of infertility. It provides insight, wisdom, new thoughts and ideas on how to attain fertility, personal experiences and real talk about various paths to motherhood. It is exactly what I sought out on my own, through Google, but (In)Fertility compiles it all into one place for you. 

I was honored to be a part of this project. And I would be honored to have you check it out. 

Be Still & Know…