This post was originally published on March 12, 2018 and updated on March 29, 2021.

I found out I had endometriosis when my husband and I began trying for a baby.

I wish I could have been diagnosed sooner.

The attempted baby making has come to a screeching halt in light of this diagnosis. Partly because with stage IV endometriosis I’m at a much higher risk for an ectopic pregnancy, partly because as this post gets published I’m in recovery mode from surgery #2, and finally because we’ve decided to prioritize improving my health and healing from endometriosis over adding a baby to the mix for the moment.

This latest surgery, the one I’m currently recovering from, is my second surgery in this process.

Surgery #1 was diagnostic. It was the surprise diagnosis of stage IV endometriosis when my OB/GYN was simply going in for a look-around to rule out any other reasons Wildland Man and I were not having success in the conception game.

Surgery #2 is all about the cleanup of said endometriosis. Specifically removing the excessive scar tissue that endometriosis has manifested all over my reproductive organs over the last 20ish years.

I’m not really sure how to navigate writing about this experience for you. I want to be authentic and transparent. I want to show other women with endometriosis that they aren’t alone in their journey. I want to give those that have never experienced endometriosis a glimpse into what this disease can do to a person, especially when it comes to fertility. And I want to encourage those that think they could be suffering from endometriosis to seek out proper treatment from doctors and get their diagnosis so that they can move forward with a recovery plan.

If you are just joining me here with this post, you may want to jump back to last week’s introduction to endometriosis: “Just a Girl with Killer Cramps.” In that post I explained and defined endometriosis. I also shared that March is Endometriosis Awareness Month and that is why I’ve mustered up the courage to share my story with y’all.

Today I’m digging in a bit deeper, attempting to reveal the struggles endometriosis can cause when you are trying for a baby.

Full disclosure, this post is gonna be hard to write. And it may very well read like that. This is about as raw as it gets here on Country Wife Chronicles…

Endometriosis is one thing. You get diagnosed, you learn more about it, develop an action plan for what you can do to overcome it, and you live your life the best way you know how. Or at least that’s how I’ve approached it.

But when you are in your mid-thirties and ready for a family and endometriosis rears its ugly head, there is an extra layer of discouragement. Because now endometriosis not only affects your body; it affects your spouse and your dream of being able to start a family together.

Under these circumstances, you can feel pretty helpless. Defeated at times.

So, while opening my heart to you in writing this post, I may very well take you to some pretty dark and dreary places. But I need you to know that I do my very best to not settle into those dark places.

Because, my hope, it’s in my Father. I know, I know, I know…as sure as the setting sun, that my God, He is good.

And my pain will not be wasted. He will use my story for His glory. He will use my hurt for good. I trust Him in writing my story…

Today, I’m going to shed some light on some not so talked about topics: endometriosis and its very real impact on fertility.

I’m going to head out into deeper waters. Trusting that He will not leave my side.

I Just Wanna Be A Mama…

I became an aunt at a young age and I relished every minute of it. I never saw my sisters struggle to get pregnant, so I grew up with the mindset that being able to have a baby, as a woman, should be a given. I had no reason to believe otherwise.

Fast forward a few years, Wildland Man and I get married and intentionally set out to enjoy our marriage for a while. Because through babysitting and teaching and aunting, I knew that kids were a lot of work. And I knew I wanted to be in a really great place in my marriage before changing up that dynamic.

When we were ready to switch gears and try for baby, we never imagined that it would be so difficult to conceive.

At first, it was no big deal; we weren’t in any big rush so we figured if it happened, it happened. We didn’t want to have to “work at it.”

A few months go by and I decide to check in with an OB/GYN, just for a basic wellness visit and to talk preparing my body for pregnancy. And I am starting to at least wonder why we aren’t having any success with conception. My doctor reassures me and I feel pretty confident that, in time, we’d get pregnant.

Six months go by…and nothing. Ok, no big deal, maybe we just need to time things a bit more closely. I start charting my cycles to be sure we are hitting our prime window of opportunity each month. Now we are starting to have to “work at it.”

Another six months…nothing. Time for another wellness check. This time the doctor agrees to do the basic hormonal blood work to check things out. She doesn’t seem too concerned, so I guess I shouldn’t be either. But, just in case, I tighten up the reigns a bit on our diet, I improve my supplements and I add some green smoothies to the meal plan.

Somewhere along the road after this last appointment I fall into a pattern of self-diagnosing. I think I wanted a baby so bad and I had no answers as to why we weren’t conceiving that I convinced myself there must be something wrong with me. I had to be broken somewhere.

Sure, my hormone blood work came back normal, but was it optimal? Could my thyroid be out of whack? I think I might have some symptoms of adrenal fatigue…or maybe leaky gut?

I suppose it crossed my mind that I could have endometriosis to some degree, but I’d asked every doctor I’d ever had about it and was always told it wasn’t likely in my case.

I set up an appointment with my doctor to address my concerns. She ran a thyroid panel and told me to relax. My thyroid came back normal. I think she could sense that I was searching for answers, so she recommended that we go ahead and have Wildland Man run some tests. All good there, too.

Side note, if you’ve ever experienced any form of fertility testing, you know it is NOT GLAMOROUS. And I know how incredibly lucky I am that I have a husband that would subject himself to this testing for me. It is not fun and really takes the romance out of trying to make a baby.

At this point, most people close to us are aware of the fact that we’ve been trying for awhile to have a baby. We have their support, but some of their well-meaning comments don’t land so softly on my heart.

“Well, at least you’re having fun trying!”

No, not actually. Timing intercourse, fertility testing, the pressure mounting…kinda feels like a job now. Not so fun. Not really.

“You just need to relax, then you’ll be able to get pregnant. Stop stressing about it.”

I wish it were that easy. Little did I know that it wouldn’t matter how chilled out I was, endometriosis would keep our odds of getting pregnant at less than 1%. (Endometriosis and Pregnancy: What You Need to Know, Endometriosis News)

“You just need to quit trying. When you stop trying, you’ll get pregnant.”

Um, ok. But in the meantime I’m not getting any younger. And the longer we prolong finding out why we are struggling, the further out our end goal gets.

My doctor mentioned trying out Ovulation Predictor Kits (OPKs). Sure, I could add those in while continuing to chart, that should really narrow down our prime window of opportunity. Maybe we are just doing this wrong? Timing it wrong?

Who knew getting pregnant was so technical?

I’ve since lost count of how many OPKs I’ve bought. And I’ve gotten pretty good at holding my pee for four hours in the middle of the day for about a week every month.

The next move, medically speaking, was to check out my reproductive organs with a laparoscopic surgery. A quick, easy, routine day-surgery with my OB/GYN to look for any anatomical abnormalities that may be interfering with our attempt to get pregnant.

It sounded easy enough, but surgery was a big milestone for me. I still have my tonsils and my appendix. I’ve never even broken a bone or been hospitalized, ever. So, yeah, surgery and anesthesia, it was all new to me and a bit scary.

My doctor didn’t rush me into it, she suggested it in the spring and I needed a few months before I was ready for that next step. So, this past fall, I experienced my first-ever surgery. And it wasn’t that bad. I was in and out of the operating room in about 45 minutes. My pain level was minimal and my recovery was quick.

But I wasn’t prepared for the diagnosis.

My doctor was shocked to find stage IV endometriosis pretty much all over my reproductive organs creating a web-like mess of scar tissue everywhere. She told Wildland Man my case was in her top 5 of worse endo cases she’d seen in her career. Not that I wanted those bragging rights.

She told us she couldn’t do any more to help us and referred us to a specialist. Whom I couldn’t get an appointment with for another three months.

Those months following my surgery while waiting to see the specialist were excruciating, emotionally speaking. I don’t really know how to describe it. There was a sense of relief in knowing why we were struggling to conceive. There was a sense of empowerment for being able to make a plan moving forward.

And then there was disappointment. And resentment, maybe?

How could I not know that I had endometriosis for 20 years? Why didn’t I push harder to get diagnosed sooner? Would the outcome have been any different?

Will we even be able to conceive naturally when this is all said and done?

Did I just ruin my chances of having a baby?

In a matter of just a couple of years, I went from being excited about finally being ready to start a family to feeling like a ticking time bomb was about to go off in my uterus.

Coming to terms with my endometriosis diagnosis has been a bit of a tumultuous roller coaster ride.

One day a friend calls to tell me they are excitedly expecting and I couldn’t be happier, I’m truly overjoyed at the news and so glad for their blessing to be.

The next day I’m scrolling Facebook and by the third pregnant belly I see I’m in tears.

I’m emotional and distraught because in another’s blessing I’m painfully aware of what I don’t have. Yet, I’m happy because I know the happiness I would feel if I were so lucky…and I want that for my friends and loved ones. It’s such a strange reality and headspace to be in.

I just wanna be a mama…and it wasn’t supposed to be this hard.

Eventually, our appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist came around. And I did feel better after getting some direction and a game plan moving forward. Though I wasn’t stoked about a second, more intense surgery to remove the endometriosis and associated scarring on my reproductive organs.

That brings me back around to today. I’m probably lying in bed with a heating pad, drugged up on pain meds, and grimacing with minor movement as this post gets published. I’m in recovery from surgery #2.

Where we go from here is yet to be seen.

Whew, this blog post…

There is definitely an inner turmoil and struggle that comes with a woman yearning to be a mama but struggling to make it happen. I’m doing my best to share this experience with you from the inside, from ground zero.

And, I’ve held it together, for the most part. But some days I’m just fed up and mad and angry and frustrated…that we can’t just get pregnant already. I’m irritated by the position endometriosis has put me in. I’m saddened with grief for something that may never be.

Before I started down this road, this journey of trying to become a mama with all my might, this endometriosis path I’m on; I was guilty of thinking it’d be easy to get pregnant.

I couldn’t comprehend what it meant to want something so desperately but have no control in being able to bring that desire into reality.

If you know someone struggling with endo or infertility, maybe now you have a clearer perspective on what they are going through emotionally. You can reach out in comfort and offer to help them handle it. And if they don’t accept your help, at least you know. You can pray for them. You can be there when they are ready to talk about it.

I’ll be honest; I don’t like to talk about this. I’d much prefer to put a smile on my face and let the world think it is my own personal choice to not have a family.

I’d rather not admit that watching a woman cradle a newborn baby in the grocery store can send me out to my car bawling. Or that, deep down, I really just want to punch the next person that asks me if I’m pregnant.

Every day I pray for God to bring us a baby. And every day I keep waiting.

God is stretching me. I’m being refined by the fire.

This is what infertility looks like. This is what endometriosis does.

So, I’m asking you for your help today. Will you take a stand with me to end the delayed diagnosis of endometriosis for young women everywhere?

I should have learned that I had endo when I was 13. Or 16. Or 20. Even 28. Any age would have been better than 34, now 35.

It is what it is. I am where I am. And I can choose to be ok with that. I choose to be content in my circumstances, as difficult as that choice may be some days.

My faith…it’s what grounds me. My faith in God allows me to find the good and purpose in this journey I’m on.

My hope is in the Maker of Miracles.

These desires of my heart, He placed them there. He knows my needs. He knows my wants. And He will write a better story than I could have ever imagined writing for myself.

If only I will find the courage to Walk on Waves with Him.

You can do your part in helping to spread awareness about endometriosis this month. Just grab any of the graphics below and share them on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, or Instagram. (The quality and size is best if you click to download the image before sharing to social media platforms.)

You can also follow CWC on our social media channels and share the conversations we are having there with your friends and family.

Endometriosis is a big player in my life right now. But it doesn’t define me.

It may affect me, more than I’d like to admit, BUT IT DOES NOT DEFINE ME.

[UPDATE]

Country Wife Chronicles is reader-supported. When you buy through links on our site, we may earn an affiliate commission.

I wanted to share something special with you, dear readers. I want to invite you into my personal story with endometriosis and infertility via a new and upcoming book, (In)Fertility: Secrets, Struggles, & Successes.

This book is a collaboration of several authors–both fertility specialists and women like me sharing their personal experiences with infertility. I was able to share my story from my viewpoint with a single chapter in (In)Fertility, much like I have here on Country Wife Chronicles, but in an all-inclusive way that I haven’t done before.

This story represents my path to Intentional Fertility, it is me inviting you into the fold to really understand what infertility feels like and what, if anything, you can do about it if you are faced with that difficult diagnosis as well.

Infertility takes its toll on you, mentally, physically and emotionally. This book is about solidarity from those that “get it,” but it is also about so much more. This book shares a confidence to advocate for yourself, reminding you of your strength. Reminding you that even when the journey gets hard, you can do this. You can play an active role in your infertility story.

Be sure to sign up for CWC’s email newsletter to be the first to hear of the book’s release–in both digital and print form. I think you’ll glean so much from the neighborhood of women authors sharing personal stories and professional insights and I would be honored if you to chose to purchase a copy for yourself or someone you know that may be facing their own journey through the infertility valley. 

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Be Still & Know…

DISCLAIMER: While I make every effort to share current and correct information here on Country Wife Chronicles, I am not an expert on endometriosis and I am still learning. I am simply sharing my story and the resources I’ve found to be helpful in this journey I am on. I welcome any comments, suggestions, or correction of errors. In reading this blog, you agree to not use this material as medical advice to treat any condition in either yourself or others. Consult your own physician for any medical issues that you may be experiencing.